Sunday, July 27, 2008

Aloha My Friend!!!

Is Hawaii treating you well, I've been so worried? Your not bored? Not homesick? Not overbaked? Let me catch you up: Wednesday---Nothing; Thursday-Tripoley at Bibian's, I didn't loose every ten cent piece I took and someone made lemon squares; Friday---Nothing; Saturday-Farah's home--yeah! She brought Krispy Kremes; Sunday---Nothing. There you go, all caught up.

If you feel like sending gifts, Farah needs a new thong bikini and I need a Muumuu to wear to the LMNOP Ball next month, something in black, I think, because black is so slimming, maybe with a splash of color so I don't blend into the background. A lovely flamingo pattern might look flash, or maybe some colorful fish, I'll trust your judgement.

We miss you, keep in touch.


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

So Much Shame....

For any of my Australian friends who had the misfortune of witnessing that train wreck on channel 108 last night called America's Next Top Model, please believe me when I say....I AM A CANADIAN. I invoke my rights as a conscientious objector to ALL American reality TV and hereby claim my oak leaf. I denounce all ownership to Jerry, Oprah, Rachael, Judge Judy, the Kardashians, Hugh and the girls, and the entire cast and crew of The Simple Life, gag. For all my American friends, there's plenty of room here on higher ground, I'm saving you all a place. Join me! Don't dither! Run! Run I say!


Saturday, July 5, 2008

My Mind Warped History & Rethinking things

Yesterday was Independence Day in the ol’USA. Some refer to it as the birthday of America which is misleading as there was a long labor that lasted something like eight years (1775-1783) before the delivery of America. July 4th is really just the date that fifty-six men signed America’s birth certificate ... one of the most monumental work of words ever written: The Declaration of Independence. Except that didn’t really happen as most of the men actually signed the thing in August and had declared the intent to be independent on July 2.

Are you confused yet? Just think of it as the way it usually goes with a pregnancy or meal planning - some folks like to define their participation by being present at the Big Bang conception (“Hey, let’s dine on something light yet fruity” or “There you go, I did my part so proceedeth hasty like and birth me a young’un!”) and the receiving end of the labor and delivery line (“Boy, that was some fine pear tart I just ate!” or “Look, I have a kid!”)... everything else ” (like pregnancy, war, grocery shopping, making crusts) is of minor importance.

Thomas Jefferson drew this beautiful document up, I believed, with great wisdom, ink made of elderberry juice, and a pointy bird feather on a fat piece of unlined parchment in the comfort of his study at Monticello on a sunny afternoon as he smiled upon his children playing Marco Polo upon the green lawn just outside the window near his desk. Sigh. But it doesn’t look like it happened that way. For one reason Jefferson’s children at the time were still in diapers. He also undoubtedly had access to India ink which was really invented by the Chinese, but let's don't get started on that. I read that someone's clerk probably was responsible for the actual handwriting of the Declaration version we are familiar with ... the version that wasn’t even ordered by congress until July 19, 1776. I was more than a little miffed at this revelation.

Which brings me to the real point I was working toward. Come Monday, I was just fixing to use this as a homeschooling force:

“Look, you capable yet somewhat slacker children who would like to take 13 days to write simple essays, this Jefferson fellow whipped this up in one sitting without college-ruled notebook paper or an eraser! And would you look at that fine penmanship?” (Notice I wasn’t bringing up the oddly capitalized words).

And now, realizing that I had absorbed most of my history knowledge during the highly romanticized U.S. Bicentennial Era of my childhood and not during the great opportunity of having a bonafide historian as a high school history instructor, I will have to rethink my uplifting speech to include some actual truths. Hopefully I will come up with something as inspiring that will spare my children from wondering 30 some years later how they had gotten everything so wrong ... like me. Hey, even if Jefferson didn't handwrite that courageous document up so lovely like -someone DID - right? And Jefferson was the mastermind - right? You might want to wish me luck : )

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

-Ate Words I Hate

I find certain word families offensive, is that allowed? It's probably not politically correct, holding an entire word family responsible for a few bad apples, but, much like the "Cooking Code Words" of my friend, certain word families make me cringe. The -ate words come to mind first.

Aggravate-What one child does to another forcing the parent into time-outs. At one minute per year of age, I'm now up to a pretty refreshing nap now.

Dominate-Let's not.

Assimilate-Okay, this one reminds me of Star Trek-the Next Generation episodes with those people from Hell Raisers in them.

Penetrate-Self explanatory and the real reason I'll never write a romance novel.

Imitate-No good has ever come from this.

Irrigate-In my experience, always involves wounds, iodine and my cat Ginger after a night out.

Elevate-At least it's not broken...

Castigate-Even sounds painful.

Delegate-To keep passing all the yucky work off until it gets to the person at the end of the line, that would be me.

Obligate-Involves a marker that may be called in at anytime, usually procured when someone has your kids for a sleepover. Two sleepovers without a return invite will result in a state of '"obligation" which is to be avoided at all costs.

Irritate-See aggravate.

Mediate-A Skill forced on parents while driving 70 mph down the highway.

Emulate-See imitate.

Estimate-Okay, maybe I'll let this one pass. After all, it does allow you to put your "ideal" weight on your DL without technically committing fraud.