Movie Review-- A Mom's Perspective, With Apologies to Rowena on the Subject Matter

Last Friday, at ten a.m., my daughter and I, and a theater full of other moms and their truant daughters, were witness to the Twilight book two phenomena called New Moon. If you missed it don't despair, because you, too, can see it, read it, listen to it, watch it on You Tube, look at life size posters of it on billboards, buses and tween girl's walls, buy postcards, calendars, action figures or, if you're a pacifist, maybe just ignore it, I think...

If you happen to be one of the seven people who have avoided reading this series, please read on with caution, spoilers may follow and I'd hate to ruin it for you.

New Moon is the story of a cute boy with a British accent that is forced to pretend a nineteenth century American accent and a girl from Arizona called Bella who isn't Italian, so don't bother trotting out your best lasagna recipe if she happens to be coming by for dinner. The first five minutes of the movie are dedicated to looking at Edward, the cute boy with the wasted British accent, it's more of a music video than a movie, so just sit back and try not to giggle or your twelve year old will glare at you. Whoops of "Team Edward!" and catcalls that would make a New York wrecking crew blush might ensue, just tune it out, all will be quiet soon. Then, Edward leaves Bella in a scene that I'm embarrassed to admit made me snuffle just a little, not because the scene was necessarily that emotional for me, but because it reminded me of that chapter in the book, which really made me teary, but I'm a little sappy that way, so you may not be at risk. Enter buff Jacob, "Team Jacob!", catcalls, etc. etc. etc. Bella is very depressed, Jacob is very buff, Bella gets a motorcycle, Jacob loses his shirt. Quiet, no one is allowed to speak while Jacob is shirtless, which is most of the rest of the movie. Jacob becomes a wolf, Bella becomes a daredevil, Edward becomes a lost boy. There are a few scenes that seem to be unintentionally funny, try not to laugh, tweeny glares can be dangerous. Bella jumps off a cliff, Jacob saves her, Alice 'sees' her, Edward thinks she's pulled a Juliet, hence there must be a Romeo. Edward goes to Italy, Bella goes to Italy, Edward loses his shirt, more catcalls (I really did try to control myself). Dakota Fanning is a grown up (when did that happen?), big fight, lots of pasty white guys, American tourists become lunch. And then, we're back where we started, in the woods, and all is well until Eclipse is released. All in all a thumbs up.

A Ferocious Fall Fantasy

I am lost in a fantasy . . .

and in this fantasy I am disguised as a vengeful forest fairy (you should be thinking of something along the lines of the mean sea-witch in The Little Mermaid with a Smoky the Bear flair). I am howling a savage, haunting war cry while ninja flying through the trees, over the fences, to the neighbor’s yard. Once there I apprehend them by the hoods of their hoodies, and wrench the leaf blower and rakes from their hands. And while they watch in alarm and disbelief, I toss the blower into the fiery leaf inferno they’ve been working on all afternoon. Then I ninja flip my way into the forest behind our homes (to throw them off, of course, as I can’t have these neighbors with matches follow me home!), and let loose a tremendous roar which echoes loudly off the hills. This will cause someone to call 911, and when the authorities arrive they put out the fire and tell those neighbors to never, never burn leaves again. Ahhhhhh!!!!!! What a delightful autumn fantasy - - - BUT one that I shouldn't even have to have.

This isn’t the first time they’ve gone firebug on us. In the fall I can expect at least one smoke-filled, eye-burning, lung-shrinking episode per week. Frankly I am weary of the series and weary of them turning any afternoon into a bronchial spasm marathon.

Put down the matches, Sparky McKindlins! Let me breathe!